P.

most depressing day of my life

Nobody will be able to understand how sad I am right now. Yesterday, I received a very unfortunate piece of news that my grandma has been diagnosed of lung cancer and is at its advance stage right now. She has only 6 months if she refuse treatment. If she does, maybe 9, 10, 11 or 12 months? My heart sank totally and almost immediately when I heard abt it. I fought back my tears til I excused myself to my room. This is just way too tough for me to handle. Grandma has always been healthy (more healthy than my maternal grandma whose living in toronto). She doesn’t smoke and no one does in the family. I can never get myself to comprehend this whole lung cancer issue.

Although im not living with my grandma, I have been very attached to her because she brought me up when I was a baby then. And even when I started living with my parents when I was 5, I would never fail to camp over as long as sch holidays lasted. I am so proud to say that im the only grandchild who visits her regularly til this very day. My greatest fear since young was the thought of losing her in my life. This thought perpetually haunted me for more than a decade and now, I hv to face it. Never did I expect it so soon.

I have many thoughts racing in my mind now. Im supposed to go over melbourne next year. Should I even defer it now? Will grandma wait for me? 6-12 months is way too short for me to come to terms with. I wan to spend as much time as I can with her and if im ever going over to mel, how much time will I be left. I dun wana regret not being with her when she is down to her very last. The fact that I have to face her departure in the near future is really too difficult to handle. Im not sure if I can. I doubt I can for now.

I recall telling grandma when I was ard the age of 5 that I will study and work hard in future to provide her the best I can. Like driving her wherever she wans to go, buying her tonics every week, clearing after her if she gets too weak when shes really old and immobile. Those were my words back then. Silly as it may seemed to grandma back then but I really meant every word I said even though I was really young. Is she just gona leave me even before I complete my studies? Before she could even see me through my adulthood? Leave me with all my unfulfiled promises? I will not hesitate to exchange 10 years of my life if God permits, so she can see me and everyone through their major turning points of their lives.

Nobody can ever comprehend the emotions im going through rite now. it seems like an endless mental war of emotions and reality that is so hard to accept. I hope grandma will fight and win this battle. Im hoping for a miracle now. Keeping my fingers and watever I can find crossed , I wish grandma will pull through for at least a couple more years. Im just beyond wat the word sad can interpret.

posted by P. @ 10/12/2004 01:16:00 AM