P.

most depressing day of my life

Nobody will be able to understand how sad I am right now. Yesterday, I received a very unfortunate piece of news that my grandma has been diagnosed of lung cancer and is at its advance stage right now. She has only 6 months if she refuse treatment. If she does, maybe 9, 10, 11 or 12 months? My heart sank totally and almost immediately when I heard abt it. I fought back my tears til I excused myself to my room. This is just way too tough for me to handle. Grandma has always been healthy (more healthy than my maternal grandma whose living in toronto). She doesn’t smoke and no one does in the family. I can never get myself to comprehend this whole lung cancer issue.

Although im not living with my grandma, I have been very attached to her because she brought me up when I was a baby then. And even when I started living with my parents when I was 5, I would never fail to camp over as long as sch holidays lasted. I am so proud to say that im the only grandchild who visits her regularly til this very day. My greatest fear since young was the thought of losing her in my life. This thought perpetually haunted me for more than a decade and now, I hv to face it. Never did I expect it so soon.

I have many thoughts racing in my mind now. Im supposed to go over melbourne next year. Should I even defer it now? Will grandma wait for me? 6-12 months is way too short for me to come to terms with. I wan to spend as much time as I can with her and if im ever going over to mel, how much time will I be left. I dun wana regret not being with her when she is down to her very last. The fact that I have to face her departure in the near future is really too difficult to handle. Im not sure if I can. I doubt I can for now.

I recall telling grandma when I was ard the age of 5 that I will study and work hard in future to provide her the best I can. Like driving her wherever she wans to go, buying her tonics every week, clearing after her if she gets too weak when shes really old and immobile. Those were my words back then. Silly as it may seemed to grandma back then but I really meant every word I said even though I was really young. Is she just gona leave me even before I complete my studies? Before she could even see me through my adulthood? Leave me with all my unfulfiled promises? I will not hesitate to exchange 10 years of my life if God permits, so she can see me and everyone through their major turning points of their lives.

Nobody can ever comprehend the emotions im going through rite now. it seems like an endless mental war of emotions and reality that is so hard to accept. I hope grandma will fight and win this battle. Im hoping for a miracle now. Keeping my fingers and watever I can find crossed , I wish grandma will pull through for at least a couple more years. Im just beyond wat the word sad can interpret.

posted by P. @ 10/12/2004 01:16:00 AM 2 comments

my agenda

Just got home about an hour ago. Im so stoned that I shampooed my hair the 2nd time right after I rinsed off the shampoo. Nuts. I had so much food for dinner just now. Let me try to recall.
1)wanton mee
2)glutinous rice ball in peanut soup
3)century egg porridge
4)raw fish
5)can of coke

yes, all of the above at a go … im so amazed with myself. I was so bloated that I could barely move at all. And guess wat, im hungry again the minute I got home. So I ate one big plate of bee hoon and a cup of ribena to go along.
Im trying to fix my screwed up bio-clock. So, I wonder if I shud even slp at all. Its like 5.40am right now. This way, I would be really tired at nite so I can slp early for once. I wouldn’t even care fixing my bio-clock if not for the commitment I have for the next 2 weeks at least. I am so reluctant to work! But kinda felt a lil compelled to because I gave a casual agreement to my auntie’s fren proposal to work when I bumped into her at paragon. This means I die die also have to wake up 6.30 every morning.

On the flip side, at least I’ve found a routine agenda for myself. My brain has to start functioning tmr. It has grown mushrooms and algae over the past 5 months. I hope the scope of my job would be challenging or at least not monotonous. I still wished I didn’t agreed to work. I think probably my intentions of visiting the nearby islands hasn’t been fulfiled that’s why I am so not motivated to work. I am also hoping that I can bring my grandma to Beijing. She missed the swiss trip 2 months back coz she figured that she cant weather the mountains we were intending to visit then.

There’s so many things I have in mind that I wana do and have to do but I guess I have to defer it til im over and done with this work. Even my hospital appts hv to give way. But im more than happy to defer it. Haha. On top of that, my mom didn’t allow me with any choice, and shes gona send my for a couple of days course so that I can run the one man show when she and her business partner have some lecturing to do next month. I guess ill be a lil more busy than I ever used to be for the past months.

posted by P. @ 10/03/2004 05:51:00 AM 0 comments